Mama’s totally hypocritical guide to playing man-basketball. Yes, I’m in to guides right now. And men. And hypocrisy.

Here is what I learned about dating and being single and being a mom: DATING IS NOT WORTH THE TIME OR EFFORT. I’m completely over it at this point. And I only “dated” one single (apparently not SINGLE) guy. Call me jaded, call me naive. Just don’t call me late for the RHOC marathon I’m surely missing attempting dating these morons.

This is my take on the whole thing. When you are a single mama, especially one fresh off of a divorce or break up, every guy who looks at you even for a second is the next future ex-husband. Masculine affection is like an effing drug. You’ll do some pretty crazy things to get it. But listen. It’s ok. We have all been there, right ladies?

You just have to wise up a little. And be a total bitch about the men you date…and then you also have to understand that the first guy you date after you go through a divorce is NOT your boyfriend…he is your REBOUND. This is a fact.

The following are must have/have not’s that you should look for in your rebound:

1)      Independent. No mommy issues. Men who are incapable of being on their own are simply looking for someone to take care of them. DO NOT TAKE CARE OF REBOUNDS.

2)      No children. Yes, ok shady shit. I know. I told you this is hypocritical. Dads are fine when you are starting to look for Mr. Right... but Mr. Rebound needs to have a pretty unending supply of free time to dote on you.

3)      Look, divorced…fine. Fresh off a divorce, HELL NO. There is only room for one hot mess in your reboundingship. I’m thinking the ink on the papers need to be dry for, like, a year plus. Ex-wives, or even worse, not-quite-ex-wives, really eff up a great rebound.

4)      He should be just a little less attractive than you. Sorry Ryan, it’s the rules. If your rebound is just so smoking hot it hurts…kind of like watching Magic Mike while ovulating…then he is not a good rebound. It is easy to fall for hot rebounds. DO NOT FALL FOR REBOUNDS.

5)      Try to find a rebound with similar interests as you. But nothing so “OMG YOU LOVE THAT TOO??” that you want to marry him. But listen, you don’t want to be bored, so find shared interests. Baseball? Cars? Drinking? I mean, connect with him, just not on a super high level.

6)      Good text. Get your mind out of the gutter. I mean simply that. Good text. Find a rebound who texts well. The likelihood of finding a time to actually date or “date” is so pitifully low that the only thing you will be able to do is text after the baby is asleep. And don’t discount how great it is to just simply have someone to talk to. Because facebooking and listening to Mariah Carey Radio on Pandora every effing night gets pretty sad. Texting a guy, facebooking and Pandora is SO much better. Obvio.

Hope this helps all my single mamas who are seeking rebounds.

Love,

Mama & b, who thinks I should really just stop obsessing over men.