mama and b's summer guide to fitness...no really, I'm serious as a heart attack...which is probably what I will give myself if I don't start doing more than lifting a wine glass as my workout...

Mamas...lets face it. At some point we just have to start calling it "fat" and ditch the claim of it being "the extra baby weight." I mean, B is over a year now, and I have managed to lose the baby weight, then gain it all back...and I still insist on calling it "baby weight." I am honestly that person who will call it baby weight well after B has graduated from grad school. But it's time to get real up in here and actually start working out.

I have truly attempted to start running...or as I like to call it...texting in the outdoors. This is a little taste of how a "run" of mine goes: walk slowly for like 10 minutes--warm up, don't want to pull any muscles. Stop and text for like 5 minutes. Jog-ish for like 5 minutes. Get distracted by bug/plant/flower/cool mailbox for like 15 minutes. Sprint for like 2 minutes--to make up for the distraction. Realize my boobs, no matter how strapped down they are, don't sprint. Jog for like 10 minutes, just in case some hot guy is scoping me out. Slow down and fast walk/text for like 10 more minutes. Walk slowly home, so that everyone thinks I was just out kickin ass and taking names for like, a really long time.

And for some ~odd~ reason, this workout method hasn't really done much for the flab all over my thighs and mid section. Weird. I am like, working out for, like, an hour every day.

But you know what, it really is hard to get all the workout time in when you have a baby. I'm in this crazy "needy single working mother" phase where I hate myself for every second I'm away from B, and then going and working out without him just makes me feel even more like worst mom of the year. So I decided to come up with a workout plan that utilizes spending quality time my boy.

I now present to you THE MAMA AND B SUMMER GET FIT PLAN EXTRAORDINAIRE!

ARMS: Swinging is an excellent way to get in an arm work out. My son just loves to swing, he will honestly go all day. A half hour of constant pushing, once a day, and I'm totes gonna get buff.

ARMS PART 2: I would like to take this moment to tell every mama out there BUY A POOL. Honestly, one of those nice above ground pools will cost way less than any gym membership. Plus, you can pull the ladder out and be all Queen of Safety and shit. So yeah, Step 1: Buy a pool. Step 2: Get in the pool with your toddler. Step 3: Do the SIX MILLION jump and splash moves your baby will want you to do...over and over...tell me your arms won't get buff lifting a 30 pound toddler up and down for an hour straight...because YOU try and get a toddler out of a pool in less than an hour.

HYDRATION: Hydration is very important while working out on hot summer days. White wine or vodka lemonades are great thirst quenchers. And I'm pretty sure lemonade had something like electrolytes in it. See, health!

LEGS: Congrats, now that you are a parent of a toddler, you will be doing a lot of running. After them. Because they are a lot effing faster than they look. Parenting a toddler is a lot like doing lot of little teeny tiny sprints during the day. So I figure they all add up to one good sized one.

LEGS PART 2: Back to the pool. Also, toddlers love to sit in little floatie thingies and be pushed around. Fast. Like sprinting, just in a pool. So that's like, a workout times a million, right?

LEGS PART 3: Stairs. Some morons spend ridiculous money to get those silly stair steppers put in their house. When in reality, just find a 1 year old who has recently started to walk, and show them to a flight of stairs. You will go up and down those things a million and a half times. Hourly.  

ABS: Lifting. Yeah, so even though my toddler is very independent now and likes to be a big boy and walk everywhere, he still wants to be held. There is a lot of up and down. Kind of like a dog, who wants to be let in, just so he can go back out...yeah, that's my son. He likes to be picked up for the singular purpose of being put back down again. Remember, lift with your legs, not your back. Safety first.

Watch out "baby weight," this bitch is on the war path....

Love,

mama & b