Do as I say and not as I do. Because if you do as I do, you’ll probably end up making a lot of bad decisions with Scorpios.

Here are some names I would like you to mull over for a minute:

John Gotti
Charles Manson
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Danny Green
Nathan Leopold
Marc Lepine
Scott Peterson
Rafael Trujillo

Then again, there is also this list to mull over:

Ryan Reynolds
Matthew McConaughey
Leonardo DiCaprio
Gerard Butler
Owen Wilson
RYAN GOSLING (!!!!!)

Which just proves my point that all Scorpios are either insane war criminals/serial killers or the most beautiful men on the planet. The fun part is guessing what category they fit into.

I would like to state right here and now that I have had my fair share of Scorpios. Clearly, I attract them. Or I’m attracted to them. Either way. Scorpios have a way of being in my life. I have dated 3, married/divorced 1, “dated” another 3 and had fantasy relationships with each and every one of above mentioned hot celebrity Scorpios. So basically, I am kind of an expert on the subject.

So ladies—any ladies, you don’t have to be a single mom for this one—hear me out. Scorpios are the most dangerous sign of the zodiac. This is a proven fact. We need to band together in order to protect ourselves.

What follows are my recommendations for surviving the Scorpio Apocalypse (because it’s coming, I promise.) Screw zombies…I’d really rather take on the waking dead than a Scorpio.

Things you must know about a Scorpio in order to protect yourself:

• This is the only sign of the zodiac that will require you have a safe word for just simply the act of being in their presence. And if you decide to get into a relationship with a Scorpio? Well, a safe word won’t help you at all. I recommend mace and a direct line to your therapist.

• Scorpios are the nosiest human beings on the planet. They love to ask deep, personal questions about things you don’t even want to talk to your shrink about. Then pout if you decide not to tell them. I recommend lying…about everything. Especially your name, phone number and email address.

• Never, ever mistake that twinkle in their eye for youthful mischief. I promise you. It is purely demonic. While you are thinking they are fantasizing about taking you to dinner and making out on the beach, they are fantasizing about something that would probably make Christian Grey blush.

• Speaking of mistakes: never let your guard down around a Scorpio. One minute you are having a delightful conversation about music or movies or bread or something mundane. Then the next minute, you are tied to a bed post. And that’s just how they say hello.

• Scorpios are hot. Freakishly hot, some of them (see list #2). They know it too. The only way you can really protect yourself against this one is by drawing a unibrow on them in their sleep with a sharpie. Then again, would Ryan Gosling be any less hot with a sharpie unibrow? Probably not.

• Scorpios are also generally pretty smart and try to dazzle/break you down with their wit and wisdom. This is super easy to overcome…just pick a topic they have zero knowledge or interest in and talk about it incessantly in an attempt to bore them into submission. For example, “So that bitch Alexis from the OC is totally claiming her nose job was purely for medical reasons. Can you believe it?! And Vicki is crazy. I mean, obviously Brooks is just using her for her fame…” I figure you can buy yourself at least 15 extra minutes before the duct tape comes out.

Think you ready for the Scorpio
Apocalypse?

Yeah, me neither.

Love, mama…b’s a Gemini. Therefore he has no opinion on Scorpios…which is shocking, because most Gemini’s have an opinion on EVERYTHING.

Watch out Cancers, Leos and Geminis, you're next.