Do as I say and not as I do. Because if you do as I do, you’ll probably end up making a lot of bad decisions with Scorpios.

Here are some names I would like you to mull over for a minute:

John Gotti
Charles Manson
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Danny Green
Nathan Leopold
Marc Lepine
Scott Peterson
Rafael Trujillo

Then again, there is also this list to mull over:

Ryan Reynolds
Matthew McConaughey
Leonardo DiCaprio
Gerard Butler
Owen Wilson
RYAN GOSLING (!!!!!)

Which just proves my point that all Scorpios are either insane war criminals/serial killers or the most beautiful men on the planet. The fun part is guessing what category they fit into.

I would like to state right here and now that I have had my fair share of Scorpios. Clearly, I attract them. Or I’m attracted to them. Either way. Scorpios have a way of being in my life. I have dated 3, married/divorced 1, “dated” another 3 and had fantasy relationships with each and every one of above mentioned hot celebrity Scorpios. So basically, I am kind of an expert on the subject.

So ladies—any ladies, you don’t have to be a single mom for this one—hear me out. Scorpios are the most dangerous sign of the zodiac. This is a proven fact. We need to band together in order to protect ourselves.

What follows are my recommendations for surviving the Scorpio Apocalypse (because it’s coming, I promise.) Screw zombies…I’d really rather take on the waking dead than a Scorpio.

Things you must know about a Scorpio in order to protect yourself:

• This is the only sign of the zodiac that will require you have a safe word for just simply the act of being in their presence. And if you decide to get into a relationship with a Scorpio? Well, a safe word won’t help you at all. I recommend mace and a direct line to your therapist.

• Scorpios are the nosiest human beings on the planet. They love to ask deep, personal questions about things you don’t even want to talk to your shrink about. Then pout if you decide not to tell them. I recommend lying…about everything. Especially your name, phone number and email address.

• Never, ever mistake that twinkle in their eye for youthful mischief. I promise you. It is purely demonic. While you are thinking they are fantasizing about taking you to dinner and making out on the beach, they are fantasizing about something that would probably make Christian Grey blush.

• Speaking of mistakes: never let your guard down around a Scorpio. One minute you are having a delightful conversation about music or movies or bread or something mundane. Then the next minute, you are tied to a bed post. And that’s just how they say hello.

• Scorpios are hot. Freakishly hot, some of them (see list #2). They know it too. The only way you can really protect yourself against this one is by drawing a unibrow on them in their sleep with a sharpie. Then again, would Ryan Gosling be any less hot with a sharpie unibrow? Probably not.

• Scorpios are also generally pretty smart and try to dazzle/break you down with their wit and wisdom. This is super easy to overcome…just pick a topic they have zero knowledge or interest in and talk about it incessantly in an attempt to bore them into submission. For example, “So that bitch Alexis from the OC is totally claiming her nose job was purely for medical reasons. Can you believe it?! And Vicki is crazy. I mean, obviously Brooks is just using her for her fame…” I figure you can buy yourself at least 15 extra minutes before the duct tape comes out.

Think you ready for the Scorpio
Apocalypse?

Yeah, me neither.

Love, mama…b’s a Gemini. Therefore he has no opinion on Scorpios…which is shocking, because most Gemini’s have an opinion on EVERYTHING.

Watch out Cancers, Leos and Geminis, you're next.

Mama’s totally hypocritical guide to playing man-basketball. Yes, I’m in to guides right now. And men. And hypocrisy.

Here is what I learned about dating and being single and being a mom: DATING IS NOT WORTH THE TIME OR EFFORT. I’m completely over it at this point. And I only “dated” one single (apparently not SINGLE) guy. Call me jaded, call me naive. Just don’t call me late for the RHOC marathon I’m surely missing attempting dating these morons.

This is my take on the whole thing. When you are a single mama, especially one fresh off of a divorce or break up, every guy who looks at you even for a second is the next future ex-husband. Masculine affection is like an effing drug. You’ll do some pretty crazy things to get it. But listen. It’s ok. We have all been there, right ladies?

You just have to wise up a little. And be a total bitch about the men you date…and then you also have to understand that the first guy you date after you go through a divorce is NOT your boyfriend…he is your REBOUND. This is a fact.

The following are must have/have not’s that you should look for in your rebound:

1)      Independent. No mommy issues. Men who are incapable of being on their own are simply looking for someone to take care of them. DO NOT TAKE CARE OF REBOUNDS.

2)      No children. Yes, ok shady shit. I know. I told you this is hypocritical. Dads are fine when you are starting to look for Mr. Right... but Mr. Rebound needs to have a pretty unending supply of free time to dote on you.

3)      Look, divorced…fine. Fresh off a divorce, HELL NO. There is only room for one hot mess in your reboundingship. I’m thinking the ink on the papers need to be dry for, like, a year plus. Ex-wives, or even worse, not-quite-ex-wives, really eff up a great rebound.

4)      He should be just a little less attractive than you. Sorry Ryan, it’s the rules. If your rebound is just so smoking hot it hurts…kind of like watching Magic Mike while ovulating…then he is not a good rebound. It is easy to fall for hot rebounds. DO NOT FALL FOR REBOUNDS.

5)      Try to find a rebound with similar interests as you. But nothing so “OMG YOU LOVE THAT TOO??” that you want to marry him. But listen, you don’t want to be bored, so find shared interests. Baseball? Cars? Drinking? I mean, connect with him, just not on a super high level.

6)      Good text. Get your mind out of the gutter. I mean simply that. Good text. Find a rebound who texts well. The likelihood of finding a time to actually date or “date” is so pitifully low that the only thing you will be able to do is text after the baby is asleep. And don’t discount how great it is to just simply have someone to talk to. Because facebooking and listening to Mariah Carey Radio on Pandora every effing night gets pretty sad. Texting a guy, facebooking and Pandora is SO much better. Obvio.

Hope this helps all my single mamas who are seeking rebounds.

Love,

Mama & b, who thinks I should really just stop obsessing over men.  

mama and b's summer guide to fitness...no really, I'm serious as a heart attack...which is probably what I will give myself if I don't start doing more than lifting a wine glass as my workout...

Mamas...lets face it. At some point we just have to start calling it "fat" and ditch the claim of it being "the extra baby weight." I mean, B is over a year now, and I have managed to lose the baby weight, then gain it all back...and I still insist on calling it "baby weight." I am honestly that person who will call it baby weight well after B has graduated from grad school. But it's time to get real up in here and actually start working out.

I have truly attempted to start running...or as I like to call it...texting in the outdoors. This is a little taste of how a "run" of mine goes: walk slowly for like 10 minutes--warm up, don't want to pull any muscles. Stop and text for like 5 minutes. Jog-ish for like 5 minutes. Get distracted by bug/plant/flower/cool mailbox for like 15 minutes. Sprint for like 2 minutes--to make up for the distraction. Realize my boobs, no matter how strapped down they are, don't sprint. Jog for like 10 minutes, just in case some hot guy is scoping me out. Slow down and fast walk/text for like 10 more minutes. Walk slowly home, so that everyone thinks I was just out kickin ass and taking names for like, a really long time.

And for some ~odd~ reason, this workout method hasn't really done much for the flab all over my thighs and mid section. Weird. I am like, working out for, like, an hour every day.

But you know what, it really is hard to get all the workout time in when you have a baby. I'm in this crazy "needy single working mother" phase where I hate myself for every second I'm away from B, and then going and working out without him just makes me feel even more like worst mom of the year. So I decided to come up with a workout plan that utilizes spending quality time my boy.

I now present to you THE MAMA AND B SUMMER GET FIT PLAN EXTRAORDINAIRE!

ARMS: Swinging is an excellent way to get in an arm work out. My son just loves to swing, he will honestly go all day. A half hour of constant pushing, once a day, and I'm totes gonna get buff.

ARMS PART 2: I would like to take this moment to tell every mama out there BUY A POOL. Honestly, one of those nice above ground pools will cost way less than any gym membership. Plus, you can pull the ladder out and be all Queen of Safety and shit. So yeah, Step 1: Buy a pool. Step 2: Get in the pool with your toddler. Step 3: Do the SIX MILLION jump and splash moves your baby will want you to do...over and over...tell me your arms won't get buff lifting a 30 pound toddler up and down for an hour straight...because YOU try and get a toddler out of a pool in less than an hour.

HYDRATION: Hydration is very important while working out on hot summer days. White wine or vodka lemonades are great thirst quenchers. And I'm pretty sure lemonade had something like electrolytes in it. See, health!

LEGS: Congrats, now that you are a parent of a toddler, you will be doing a lot of running. After them. Because they are a lot effing faster than they look. Parenting a toddler is a lot like doing lot of little teeny tiny sprints during the day. So I figure they all add up to one good sized one.

LEGS PART 2: Back to the pool. Also, toddlers love to sit in little floatie thingies and be pushed around. Fast. Like sprinting, just in a pool. So that's like, a workout times a million, right?

LEGS PART 3: Stairs. Some morons spend ridiculous money to get those silly stair steppers put in their house. When in reality, just find a 1 year old who has recently started to walk, and show them to a flight of stairs. You will go up and down those things a million and a half times. Hourly.  

ABS: Lifting. Yeah, so even though my toddler is very independent now and likes to be a big boy and walk everywhere, he still wants to be held. There is a lot of up and down. Kind of like a dog, who wants to be let in, just so he can go back out...yeah, that's my son. He likes to be picked up for the singular purpose of being put back down again. Remember, lift with your legs, not your back. Safety first.

Watch out "baby weight," this bitch is on the war path....

Love,

mama & b