Super special prize to be won!

I will seriously give a super special prize to the first person who gets my baby to nap during the day. This sleep miracle must be accomplished without excessive screaming (from me or him), the use of drugs (on him at least) or voodoo (though I'm not 100% on that decision). Winning sleep doctor/baby whisperer will win an amazing prize (spoiler alert: the prize is watching my baby while he sleeps so I can shave).


(Warning, this is his "I don't want to nap" face)

New moms=wine racists.

Is it just me or does every new mom drink white wine? Think about it for a moment--I bet you that you can name more than one new mom (not including yourself, you wine-o) that has uttered the phrase "oh I don't drink much, just an occasional glass of white wine." And I guarantee that these are also women who used to shoot vodka like it ain't no thang. We white wine...I mean THOSE white wine drinking new moms actually seem to justify their new-mommy drinking habits by simply saying "oh, its just white wine"--when in reality, it has the same alcohol content as a glass of red or a cosmo. But we, I mean THEY, get away with it because white wine seems just so...weak. I'm on to you new moms...and frankly at this point, I'm saying eff it...vodka is whiter than white wine! Someone buy me a bottle of Grey Goose.

Wait, “Pregnant in Heels” doesn’t count as parenting classes?

I have a couple confessions:

1) I didn’t take any birthing classes or parenting classes. I’m just not a “classes” kind of person. I’m more of a “google shit in a panic” kind of person. Like, I’m sure that mommy classes would have prepared me for when Bug went like three days without a poop, then freaked out and had a poo that spanned 3 different states and cried about it for, like, ever. But instead, I googled “what to do when your baby doesn’t poo, then poos real big” at 3 in the morning. Thanks google for telling it is normal and he isn’t dying out of his butt.
2) I learned waaaayyy too much about parenting from Rosie Pope…on Bravo. Like, I learned about how much tummy time a baby needs and that they projectile from all orifices. First episode my “mummy IQ” was less than zero. Final episode=like a million! Thanks Rosie!

And on this note, I want to talk about one of my absolute most hated things: the unsolicited advice of others. I don’t mind when you ask for advice and you get some rather long winded answers, or even when you ask for advice and don’t get the answer you want. But I ABHORE people who tell you what you need to do in order to not kill your kid, WITHOUT BEING ASKED! Ok, some things are a given, like if a stranger sees you leave the car seat on the top of the car right next to your coffee (this didn’t really happen) and mentions this probably isn’t safe. Anything else, keep it to yourself. Seriously.

Here is my 4 step plan to dealing with “The Unsolicited Advice of Others:”

1) If coming from someone who doesn’t have any children of their own—just grin and bear it and maybe thank them for not procreating.
2) Throw it back in their face…with something equally as annoying. Like, “Jeez Becky, thanks for letting me know that my baby could die if I don’t eat a strictly raw vegan diet while he is breastfeeding. But I couldn’t help but notice that little Johnny might turn into a dwarf if you don’t use 100% llama wool pajamas.”
3) Don’t actually do #2.
4) Just breathe and realize it really takes a lot of effort to seriously eff up your baby. You are a good mother and all the Beckys out there can suck it.

(Most likely killing my baby because there is a good chance chicken poop also touched this pumpkin--call the mommy police.)