- How, after only one episode of moderate inconsolable crying, can my pediatrician determine my Bugaboo can’t stomach the stuff? I’m assuming she’s not telepathic after all.
- It has come to my attention that pretty much all babies have sensitivities to dairy—which is either
a. A complete crock of shit like ADHD or Scientology.
b. Totally the way babies are just simply suppose to be and should really be discussed pre-pregnancy.
In fact, I’m thinking that the male penis should come with a warning label which would read:
WARNING:
Use of this device may result in pregnancy. This could then result in the inability to consume alcohol, caffeine or sushi. Followed by the inability to consume alcohol, caffeine, cheese, yogurt, Cherry Garcia, or pretty much anything else because dairy and whey are in fricken everything!
I’m aware that women would cease to procreate. But we have the right to be informed for eff sake. But anyway, looks like I’m now almost a vegan—which sucks because vegans annoy the shit out of me, like fundamentalists and sales people who work on commission. Foods I will be consuming from here on out:
• Coconut creamer—yay, tropical…like a pina colada.
• Lentils
• Like, every fruit under the sun.
• Oatmeal
• Any vegetable that does not require the accompaniment of cheese…which doesn’t leave me with much, honestly.
• Every last possible carbohydrate I can get my hands on---pasta, sourdough, the crust off of the kid’s pizza, croutons, etc.
• Fruit popsicles, which in my mind are fruit, just like an apple.
• Grains that I can’t pronounce, like quinoa and amaranth.
• Black tea and coffee—If I can’t have my dairy, I’m taking back my caffeine!
• Chinese food. Not a lot of dairy in spring rolls and chow mein. Thank god.
M
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