The Gallbladder: The Gift that Keeps on Giving

I am starting to suspect that the universe is really conspiring against me. Here’s why:

• I now have one teeny tiny deflated balloon boob and one super ginormous watermelon boob.
• This is the last season of “Desperate Housewives.” FML

But back to the boobs. So during all my gallbladder fun, I was often unable to breast feed because I was either

A) Drugged up out of by gourd on painkillers.
B) Having surgery.
C) Immersed in a Kardashian marathon on E! (But mostly A and B)

This is now wreaking some havoc on my tatas—and I P&D’d the shit out of the ladies. My right boob is trying very hard to produce enough for my BOTTOMLESS PIT, while my left boob is whining about having to get out of bed in the morning, stupid bitch. Righty is getting overworked.

I now nurse Bug as much as possible, but this is what happens:

1) He freaks out like crazy bat shit, like that chick from “Pretty Wild” on the Vogue journalist, when he can’t get any milk out of the left boob.
2) Then chokes and yaks all over because he’s getting too much from the right.
3) I pump and then bottle feed because I’m over it.
4) I try nursing again, and then I HAVE NOTHING IN EITHER BOOB because Righty said eff it, I’m making a vodka tonic and going to bed.
5) I made up a bottle and watch “Most Eligible Dallas.”

Ok before I get YELLED AT, I get it. Breast is best. And I am giving Bug as much boob as humanly possible. But at this friggin point, with super boob and deflated bitch boob, I need a friggin break.