Bizarre habits of single mothers while their babies are away.

Beckett is on vacation. No, literally...he's probably lounging by a pool in Arizona somewhere with a Buddha full of milk or something.

But what am I doing while Beckett is with his daddy you ask? Well, you probably don't want to know...but I'm going to tell you anyway.

1) I do my nails. Like a million times. I have had 5 different colors in the past 4 days. With a lot of time to kill, I might as we get it perfect.

2) I eat pumpkin pie for dinner. And breakfast.

3) I spend a frightening amount of time on Pinterest. Most of what I pin? You guessed it, nail polish.

4) I actually read books with adult words in them. On the list right now is "Spook" by Mary Roach.

5) I watch TV that also involves adult words...yes, I know that rules out any Real HW. I'm obsessed with Ghost Adventures. Are you picking up on a seasonal theme?

6) I tell myself I'm going work out then don't.

7) At this point I probably paint my nails again.

8) I blog about the crazy things I do without my son to keep me entertained.

Yes, it's a boring existence without a toddler around to keep his mama in check.

Love,

mama and a vacationing b

Whoever writes those smart phone etiquette articles are super wrong.

I have some beef with all those smart phone etiquette journalists out there. First, while yes, it's gross to take your phone to the bathroom with you, or be on it during a romantic dinner, clearly these etiquette gurus are not divorced single mothers. Frankly, the only time I have peace and quiet to pinterest in peace is in the effing bathroom. Also, when you say annoying things like "don't be on your phone so much when you have free time" I kind of want to scream. You know what I do when I have free time aka standing in line at Starbucks or waiting for my tires to be rotated? I think. And that's bad, because if I don't have my smartphone to distract me, I usually think about shit like the last fight I got into with my ex and then start crying in public. But with my amazing smartphone, instead of coming up with 40 different ways of telling my ex what to shove where, I pin the crap out of everything on craftgawker.

So on behalf of every divorced mom out there with an over active imagination, I'd like to actually thank Apple and Android and Blackberry for creating these genius devices that turn my brain to mush.

Love,

mama & b...who thinks smartphones are great too, if only mom would let him get his hands on one.

Do as I say and not as I do. Because if you do as I do, you’ll probably end up making a lot of bad decisions with Scorpios.

Here are some names I would like you to mull over for a minute:

John Gotti
Charles Manson
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Danny Green
Nathan Leopold
Marc Lepine
Scott Peterson
Rafael Trujillo

Then again, there is also this list to mull over:

Ryan Reynolds
Matthew McConaughey
Leonardo DiCaprio
Gerard Butler
Owen Wilson
RYAN GOSLING (!!!!!)

Which just proves my point that all Scorpios are either insane war criminals/serial killers or the most beautiful men on the planet. The fun part is guessing what category they fit into.

I would like to state right here and now that I have had my fair share of Scorpios. Clearly, I attract them. Or I’m attracted to them. Either way. Scorpios have a way of being in my life. I have dated 3, married/divorced 1, “dated” another 3 and had fantasy relationships with each and every one of above mentioned hot celebrity Scorpios. So basically, I am kind of an expert on the subject.

So ladies—any ladies, you don’t have to be a single mom for this one—hear me out. Scorpios are the most dangerous sign of the zodiac. This is a proven fact. We need to band together in order to protect ourselves.

What follows are my recommendations for surviving the Scorpio Apocalypse (because it’s coming, I promise.) Screw zombies…I’d really rather take on the waking dead than a Scorpio.

Things you must know about a Scorpio in order to protect yourself:

• This is the only sign of the zodiac that will require you have a safe word for just simply the act of being in their presence. And if you decide to get into a relationship with a Scorpio? Well, a safe word won’t help you at all. I recommend mace and a direct line to your therapist.

• Scorpios are the nosiest human beings on the planet. They love to ask deep, personal questions about things you don’t even want to talk to your shrink about. Then pout if you decide not to tell them. I recommend lying…about everything. Especially your name, phone number and email address.

• Never, ever mistake that twinkle in their eye for youthful mischief. I promise you. It is purely demonic. While you are thinking they are fantasizing about taking you to dinner and making out on the beach, they are fantasizing about something that would probably make Christian Grey blush.

• Speaking of mistakes: never let your guard down around a Scorpio. One minute you are having a delightful conversation about music or movies or bread or something mundane. Then the next minute, you are tied to a bed post. And that’s just how they say hello.

• Scorpios are hot. Freakishly hot, some of them (see list #2). They know it too. The only way you can really protect yourself against this one is by drawing a unibrow on them in their sleep with a sharpie. Then again, would Ryan Gosling be any less hot with a sharpie unibrow? Probably not.

• Scorpios are also generally pretty smart and try to dazzle/break you down with their wit and wisdom. This is super easy to overcome…just pick a topic they have zero knowledge or interest in and talk about it incessantly in an attempt to bore them into submission. For example, “So that bitch Alexis from the OC is totally claiming her nose job was purely for medical reasons. Can you believe it?! And Vicki is crazy. I mean, obviously Brooks is just using her for her fame…” I figure you can buy yourself at least 15 extra minutes before the duct tape comes out.

Think you ready for the Scorpio
Apocalypse?

Yeah, me neither.

Love, mama…b’s a Gemini. Therefore he has no opinion on Scorpios…which is shocking, because most Gemini’s have an opinion on EVERYTHING.

Watch out Cancers, Leos and Geminis, you're next.

Mama’s totally hypocritical guide to playing man-basketball. Yes, I’m in to guides right now. And men. And hypocrisy.

Here is what I learned about dating and being single and being a mom: DATING IS NOT WORTH THE TIME OR EFFORT. I’m completely over it at this point. And I only “dated” one single (apparently not SINGLE) guy. Call me jaded, call me naive. Just don’t call me late for the RHOC marathon I’m surely missing attempting dating these morons.

This is my take on the whole thing. When you are a single mama, especially one fresh off of a divorce or break up, every guy who looks at you even for a second is the next future ex-husband. Masculine affection is like an effing drug. You’ll do some pretty crazy things to get it. But listen. It’s ok. We have all been there, right ladies?

You just have to wise up a little. And be a total bitch about the men you date…and then you also have to understand that the first guy you date after you go through a divorce is NOT your boyfriend…he is your REBOUND. This is a fact.

The following are must have/have not’s that you should look for in your rebound:

1)      Independent. No mommy issues. Men who are incapable of being on their own are simply looking for someone to take care of them. DO NOT TAKE CARE OF REBOUNDS.

2)      No children. Yes, ok shady shit. I know. I told you this is hypocritical. Dads are fine when you are starting to look for Mr. Right... but Mr. Rebound needs to have a pretty unending supply of free time to dote on you.

3)      Look, divorced…fine. Fresh off a divorce, HELL NO. There is only room for one hot mess in your reboundingship. I’m thinking the ink on the papers need to be dry for, like, a year plus. Ex-wives, or even worse, not-quite-ex-wives, really eff up a great rebound.

4)      He should be just a little less attractive than you. Sorry Ryan, it’s the rules. If your rebound is just so smoking hot it hurts…kind of like watching Magic Mike while ovulating…then he is not a good rebound. It is easy to fall for hot rebounds. DO NOT FALL FOR REBOUNDS.

5)      Try to find a rebound with similar interests as you. But nothing so “OMG YOU LOVE THAT TOO??” that you want to marry him. But listen, you don’t want to be bored, so find shared interests. Baseball? Cars? Drinking? I mean, connect with him, just not on a super high level.

6)      Good text. Get your mind out of the gutter. I mean simply that. Good text. Find a rebound who texts well. The likelihood of finding a time to actually date or “date” is so pitifully low that the only thing you will be able to do is text after the baby is asleep. And don’t discount how great it is to just simply have someone to talk to. Because facebooking and listening to Mariah Carey Radio on Pandora every effing night gets pretty sad. Texting a guy, facebooking and Pandora is SO much better. Obvio.

Hope this helps all my single mamas who are seeking rebounds.

Love,

Mama & b, who thinks I should really just stop obsessing over men.